Move from Fixing to Coaching

Stop the Overwhelm and Exhaustion

Content

By the end of the day, many parents and educators feel less like leaders and more like personal assistants.

We remind.

We rescue.

We solve.

We carry.

Somewhere along the way, we can accidentally train our children to hand us every problem instead of learning how to face challenges for themselves. From the forgotten lunch to the unpaid phone bill, we can easily become constant problem solvers.

Understandably, as parents and caregivers, we begin with beautiful babies who need us for everything. We dress them, change them, feed them and do everything for them. And that can be simply delightful and physically exhausting. We can accidentally stay in this exhausting mode long after our children are capable of doing more for themselves.

“Never do for a child what they can do for themselves” - even when it is messy, slow and far quicker to do it ourselves.

I found myself saying “can you pleeease lend a hand or help me…” which is nice, but isn’t the end game that I had in mind. I needed to pause long enough to rethink what I was reinforcing every day. Asking myself what skills, character and abilities do I want my healthy young adult leave home with?

I’m not asking them for help; I’m helping them grow in capacity and capability. With that mindset, I discovered lessons that not only saved my sanity, but also lifted the heavy burden of feeling like an exhausted, overworked parent.

Here's what I learnt and started making a change ...

Let them Fail

Letting our children fail feels brutal. Every instinct in us wants to rescue them. But as children grow, we brace ourselves for the emotional roller coaster of letting them fail and learn from it.

The juice spills all over the floor as you’re trying to rush out the door. Every part of you wants to sigh, grab the towel and clean it up because, honestly, it is faster and easier. Try pausing instead.
“Oh, what should you do?”
This helps them start thinking: I made a mistake and a mess, and I can do something to fix it.

As the adult, we might begin by showing them how to clean up, then do a helping with a small part, but the goal is that they take responsibility for cleaning it up themselves.

Before stepping in with your brilliance or rushing to fix the next problem, ask yourself:

Is this a mistake that my child can learn and recover from.

Let them Struggle

Many of us find it hard to see our kids struggle with things that are outside their current range of skills. It’s natural to want to lend a hand, give instruction or open our wallet. We want to help, fast-track their success, or remove anything that might seem like a difficulty.

Sometimes we can become so intertwined with our children’s struggles that we begin to feel their difficulties as our own, quietly wondering if we are somehow failing as parents.

But struggles are not always a sign that something is wrong. Often, it is where growth, resilience, perseverance, and problem-solving are being formed.

Our job is to prepare our children for the path they should go on, not clear a pathway for them.

Coach Instead of Rescue

Imagine a child comes to you with a problem, we’re probably tired and want to put our feet up and rest. It’s time to tune in and begin with active listening and a short response like “oh that sounds … “

A short dialogue can follow, once the child is calm:

“Tell me what happened?”

“Oh, what do you think you should do about this?”

“Would you like some tips?” (I’m checking whether their heart and mind are open to hearing from me, or whether they simply need a safe place to vent.)

Then here’s the gem, I’ve discovered, wait and don’t overwhelm with a book of wisdom! It can go like this:

“Well, some children, when they have a toy taken away:

Find another fun toy?

Ask the child to for a turn later?

What do you think you might like to try? (For fun you can throw in a bad or funny idea as well – laughter is good medicine.)

Ask them to choose which one they might try.

Keeping it short and sweet; “I think you can do this, but I would love to know how it works out for you.”

For older children, the dialogue could be more extensive, helping them formulate a plan and asking them to consider any difficulties they might have with said plan. “What do you think will happen when …”

Guide with Empathy

“If only you listened to me….”

We all want to say this and it can momentarily make us feel better. Sadly, it doesn’t help provide what our children need from us in a time of learning.

They need our empathy.

Empathy has a profound effect on a child.

Empathy is what makes coaching children so powerful and helps a child embrace the teaching. It doesn’t mean you agree with them, or that you are endorsing their bad behaviour or failure. It helps us stay connected with them and so we don’t seem like the enemy, but the coach alongside them.

Children are more likely to receive our teaching, if we stay positively connected to them.

Even though what a child is going through might seem trivial or insignificant to us, it is a big deal to a child.

Because failure can hurt – missing a goal in their game.

Forgetting homework can hurt.

Being bullied hurts.

From Rescue to Resilence

If you are ready to move from constant fixing and frustration to calmer, more confident parenting, coaching and support are available to help you build practical strategies that truly work in YOUR everyday family life.

Moving from fixing to coaching our children takes patience, courage, and a willingness to tolerate mess, discomfort, and slower progress. And we look for progress, not perfection!

Children do not need adults who fix everything perfectly. They need calm, connected adults who believe they are capable of learning, growing, failing, and trying again.

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